For every game of last season, a black armband around Bianca Jakobsson’s arm was a reminder of a deep pain that few others knew about.
The day of St Kilda’s first pre-season session in late May of last year, Jakobsson lost her father, Ken, to cancer; a short-lived battle which struck suddenly and senselessly just a few months after Jakobsson celebrated both her engagement and 30th birthday.
Jakobsson lost her mother to cancer when she was 10 years old, with her dad raising her and her two other siblings as the “mum and dad” of the household.
Just how she fronted up for every single game of last season in wake of such loss is strength in of itself.
Jakobsson’s journey through such tragic circumstance has understandably not been easy, however the work she has proactively undergone with St Kilda’s AFLW Player Development Manager/Psychologist Bree Van Ryswyk has allowed her to see light in what first appeared an endless, dark tunnel.
Now, as Jakobsson and the Saints prepare for this weekend’s game against Hawthorn, which will mark the inaugural Spud’s Game at AFLW level, the Best & Fairest-winning defender opens up with Van Ryswyk on her personal experiences, how she’s continuing to honour her late father’s memory and how telling her story will hopefully help others going through their own struggles.
Bianca Jakobsson (BJ): I will get it out eventually. Oh, why is this so hard? It's never easy. It's really tough to talk about. Sorry.
Bree Van Ryswyk (BVR): It's okay. You don't need to apologise.
BJ: I lost Dad last year, which was the toughest thing I have ever been through in my life. I lost my mum when I was 10, so it's been… it's been incredibly tough. Losing both parents by the age of 30 is just unimaginable. Not having that parents’ support around… it's been a difficult 12 months without having him here. I was incredibly close to him and he was my biggest supporter throughout my life. Having lost Mum when I was 10, he was everything to our family. I just saw him as a hero in my eyes. I never could have imagined actually going through losing him, it was always my biggest fear having lost mum when I was younger. I never thought I'd be able to go through life without him.
I thought I'd never move past it or ever do the things I love again. The work I did with Bree – I saw her and a grief psych – on reframing the negative things that I experienced, the trauma, was so helpful. I lost both Mum and Dad to cancer, so I was working through everything that came with that and trying to be myself again and getting back to doing the things I love again, which was incredibly hard at the start.
There were times where I never saw myself ever being able to get back and do life things. I never saw myself being happy again, let alone play footy, so we put the work in, Bree and I. To see where I've come in 12 months has been massive, and obviously family support has helped a lot, my brother and sister we are very close.
BVR: I just want to reflect just how far Beej has come. It's probably one of the hardest things that anyone will ever have to go through. Seeing where you were then to now… it was hard for you to leave the house at that point, challenging for you to even think about footy or think about doing anything that was going to bring you any joy.
I think it's pretty amazing that you're at the point where you’re able to share your story and the journey it’s been to get here. Every time I see you on the field, I'm incredibly proud because I think just how far you've come in the past 12 months.
BJ: It's not going to be a linear process. There are times where it is very up-and-down, and I miss him every single day. I still have to put in a massive amount of work every day to make sure that I'm staying on top of my mental health and how I'm feeling. That pain, it doesn't just go away. But you just learn to find ways to live with it and work with it, and that’s where you just get to a level of acceptance. It’s a part of me and something I am working with to own rather than shy away from.
BVR: Initially it was about validating what Beej was going through, acknowledging the intensity of her emotions. We discussed how we can’t control what thoughts pop into our mind, but we can control what we do next. Although it’s difficult, we have a choice whether we sit with it, ruminating, or we commit to an action to help align with what matters, to what helps us in that moment.
We looked at doing things that might bring two per cent more joy. It might seem small, but that two per cent more is much better than nothing. Because there’s no quick fix and it’s not linear, you've just got to – as hard as it is – find those little ways and take it a day at a time.
BJ: I did plenty of things… meditation, journaling, all that sort of stuff, to try and work with what I was feeling, and really try and focus on family and things that I love and finding small things to be grateful for. Getting out in nature, walking the dogs and different things like that have helped me massively, and obviously being here at the footy club has been a massive saving grace. Dad passed day one of pre-season. It took a couple of weeks to get back in here, and the support from the club was great, from Bree and the whole group allowed me to come in and be myself. It sort of normalised my life a little bit. Most importantly I was making sure I was talking through my emotions and what I was feeling.
I just had to keep showing up. Some days weren't great, some days were better than others. And then it was just trying to do small little things that I loved, things that I know helped me, like watching a game of footy, I couldn’t enjoy that for a while. Watching AFL and all the analysis shows are one of my favorite things to do, I’m a pretty big footy head. Obviously exercise, that helped me a lot, it enabled me to somewhat clear my head. And coming into the club, getting back around the group and having them treat me as normal helped a lot.
At the time, I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. As I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, I started to see that light a little bit and started to feel more myself.
BVR: We are all going to experience ups and downs in our lives. Whether it’s losing a loved one, or day to day stressors, our mental health is always shifting depending on what is going on around us.
Unfortunately, only going for one run doesn’t mean we’re going to stay at peak physical fitness, we know we need to constantly work on it. The same applies for our mental fitness, we need to be continually working and doing things to maintain it. Beej has put in a lot of effort to understand what keeps her mental health in check. She’s discovered what works best for her and makes a point to incorporate these practices into her day-to-day routine.
BVR: There must be a binder full of those in your brain.
BJ: Obviously he was a mum and a dad growing up since I was 10, so he was just everything to me. I loved his phone calls and texts, he called me all the time, always starting with a big happy ‘Hellllo Peabo!’. I used to love seeing him after games. He would always come and watch me… he grew up in Sweden, so he had no idea of football, but he watched me ever since I was 11. He still never quite got the rules, which is pretty funny, but he would always say he was so proud of me. Even if I might have played bad or we lost or whatever, he was always there and always reminded me it was just a game.
It's hard to pick one memory, but I think it was just his love and support, and his quirky sayings that he used to come up with that I make sure I continue to say, he would literally do anything for me. He was a serious jack of all trades, had so much knowledge and could fix anything. He instilled strong values in me from a young age and I am forever grateful for that… raising three kids on his own after mum passed when he was also dealing with losing the love of his life speaks volumes about the sort of person he was.
BJ: I don't really sit back and actually acknowledge how far I've actually come compared to where I was when it all first happened. It’s taken a lot of work... working through my emotions and things that I was feeling, to trying not to spiral with negative thoughts about what had happened to accepting and controlling what I can.
BVR: I’m super proud of you, BJ. Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in the now and we can forget how hard things were. But I think it's really important that we acknowledge the journey.
As we said, it's not linear, but going from one point where it seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, to just trying to focus on each day, to now being here where you’re enjoying footy, leading the club, smashing uni, and in a spot to talk openly about your journey. It's huge. I'm really proud of the work that you’ve done and the work that you continue to do. I think sometimes the hardest thing is to say ‘hey, things are really challenging for me at the moment and I'm not doing as well as I'd maybe like to be’. Beej’s story and our upcoming Spud’s Game really help to promote environments where mental health can be openly discussed, which helps these conversations feel a little less challenging.
BJ: I think it's super important. If I can share my story… I'm quite a reserved person, and most people wouldn’t know what’s happened in my life. I think if I can share my story and the hardships that I've been through, I can hopefully show people just how important looking after your mental health is.
If you put the work in and you seek help and you're open with how you're feeling, no matter how challenging the time is… there is light, you can get through it. You have to be open and willing to seek that help and be vulnerable. We all go through our own challenges, so shedding a little bit of light on that for everybody I think can help.
If this helps one person, that's all I can ask for.
